My Abortion Story
The Second Silent Victim
This is my story. As painful as this story is to tell, it is also my story of forgiveness, mercy and redemption that God has showed me. It has been a process of over 30 yrs as God has help me heal from this pain. Abortion carries much emotional pain for woman. Writing my testimony down has been a tremendous healing process for me. He has peeled away the layers of pain little by little to help me heal. I owe everything I am and will become to my Heavenly Father. He is still working in me. My story is not to put down my parents, for as imperfect as they were, they were flawed human beings just like me. They had their own issues and dysfunctions they had to deal with, but as a young girl you don't see things that way. You just want to be unconditionally loved, accepted, and protected by your parents. Having said that it still DOES NOT justify their actions. Being forced to go through something that goes against everything you know is wrong brought a lot of emotional pain to me. I learned later on in my life, in Psalm 27: 10, that even when my Father and my Mother forsake me, (even by their actions) then the Lord will pick me up. This is my story, expressed with emotions that I felt during this time. A raw & honest look at what abortion does to your soul? I hope my story will help those to heal from the pain of abortion or someone who finds themselves faced with an unexpected pregnancy, unsure of what to do, to choose LIFE not death.
I did not grow up in a Christian home, nor did I know God really did love me. I had not experience His love or understand it, but later on down the road, in my journey through all my pain and shame, He would rescue me, and began to reveal His unconditional love for me. I had just turned 17 in August of 1978. and was starting my Junior year in high school. In the Fall of 1978, I was pretty sure I was pregnant, even though I hadn't been to the doctors as of yet. I had met a guy, and as a teen girl I fell for him, and believed I was really in love with him, and eventually our relationship lead to a sexual one. As much as it pains me now the feelings he felt for me were one sided, but I could not even admit this to myself at the time because I was so desperate for the need to be loved and accepted. When you don't receive that unconditional love at home you do look elsewhere for it. It pains me now to see how willing I was to compromise my morals to feel loved. When I told him that I was pretty sure I was pregnant, and needed to tell my parents, he didn't know what to do either, but I could tell he did not want the responsibility. It was very hard to open up to my parents, especially my Mom. (I did not grow up in a household where you were always free to speak up, voice an opinion, or even share your feelings). I also did not have a close relationship with my Mom either, so telling her this was difficult. Even being adopted I never felt like I was really of any value. Because the roots of rejection had started very early in my life, my feelings of self -worth were pretty low growing up. It took me a long time to forgive my parents (particularly my Mom) for their choice of putting me through this abortion, forcing me to abort my baby, and for forgiving myself for having allowed it.
Anyway, I did finally get the nerve to tell my Mom. Surprisingly she didn't yell at me, so I thought the hard part was over. Well little did I know. She proceeded to make an appointment with an out of town doctor. He confirmed what I already knew in my heart, and from the symptoms I was experiencing, but tried to deny. I was pretty sure I was close to 12 wks. along at least, but for some reason, it has been blocked from my memory the exact number of weeks. Now I thought, Mom knows, and now it was confirmed by the doctor, so I just wanted someone to help me through this pregnancy. We met back in the doctor's private office to talk. To my shock and dismay, my Mom just point blank asked the doctor if he would perform an abortion, without telling or asking me how I felt about it. The doctor did say NO!! This was the first time I heard this from her lips. She never shared her plans? with me. I was so frightened and felt so alone. I felt unable to speak up for myself. I didn't want an abortion, I just wanted her to wrap her arms around me, and say everything will be o.k. We will help you through this. I never thought she would put me through this, especially coming from an adopted family. After all she couldn't have her own children, so why would she want me to abort my baby?? Her future grandchild. How could this be even an option for her?? Especially coming from an adopted family where you were supposed to feel loved and WANTED. I just could not understand this. ( I felt like the Lord did show me later on in my life, that she was angry at God himself because she couldn't have her own children, so she wasn't going to let me have mine, but at the time I could not understand this). I felt and I knew I was an embarrassment to her & Dad, and she was going to do all she could to get rid of this problem. They both set me down, and told me this was the best option, but for who?? They told me that the baby would grow up hating me, etc. and a bunch of other excuses to justify their decision. ( Later on in my life, I started to believe their lies as truth. But it never made me feel better about what happened.) I felt so alone, trapped & scared. Yes, this was what they thought was the best decision for them, but not me. I wanted to run away, but I had no where to go, and no one to run to. I wanted this baby with all my heart. I felt I would have someone to love, and someone who would love me back. I never believed in abortion or even thought of this as an option, yet here I was being forced to have one. I felt trapped and felt I had no options but to follow their pans for me. I would later blame myself for not being strong enough to fight against this choice they made for me. I felt weak and unable to speak up for myself. I truly felt like a lamb led to the slaughter.
Well, Mom made the appointment for Friday, Dec. 1, 1978 changed me forever. I felt terrified and alone. I remember sitting in the clinic's counseling room, with a room full of other women. Everything they told me was a blur. I was terrified. I remember almost passing out due to fear. I was asked if I was o.k. but being afraid to speak up, I slowly nodded yes, but I wanted to scream NO I AM NOT! I was totally scared out of my mind. I really felt so alone. Eventually I was given some kind of medication. As I was lead to the room where the procedure was to take place, I just wanted someone to come in and rescue me. It never happened. I can remember laying on that cold table and looking up to the ceiling crying, the nurse holding me down as the abortion doctor sucked my baby out of me with a horrible sounding instrument. They may as well of sucked the life out of me that day as well, because something else died within me that day, not just my baby. I was FOREVER changed. Afterwards they lead me to a room for recovery with cheap recliners, and gave me juice and crackers. They then sent me home with birth control pills. I went home that day a changed person. My Mom made sure it was her mission to make sure I got my little pill every night. She made sure she had control of that. I felt de- humanized. Life went on normal for everyone else but me. No one acknowledged my pain. I may of looked o.k. on the outside, but inside I was dying and I slipped into a huge depression. I felt so empty. I silently grieved over a baby I would never hold, MY baby. I didn't care if I lived or died, because as far as I felt I was already dead. I once again fell back into a sexual relationship with this boy, but being on the pill I knew the risk of pregnancy was eliminated. Who cared if he didn't love me, I didn't love myself. I also started to do drugs to numb my pain. Eventually our relationship ended.
As I started my Senior year in 1979, I met Paul. Later on he would become my husband. He made me feel loved and valued. He was different than other guys. He really loved ME. I fell in love with him too. We dated my whole Senior year, and I made plans to move out as soon as I graduated. (We were not yet Christians) I still had trouble receiving that love from Paul a lot of the time because I had not dealt with my feelings of unworthiness and so I had a lot of difficulty believing and accepting that I was worthy of anyone's love BUT God was working in me in ways I didn't now yet.
In 1982, We found out I was pregnant. I was SO excited, but also SO scared. I knew about God, but I still did not understand how much he loved me. I felt like God might not think I deserved to have another chance to have a baby after what happen the first time. I almost felt like at any given time He could cause me to lose my baby if he wanted. This did remain a underlying fear in me through out my pregnancy. I did give birth Dec. 20,1982 to a beautiful, healthy little girl who we named Jennifer Marie. In April 30,1985 I gave birth to another beautiful, healthy little girl who we named Jaclyn Christine. GOD IS SO GOOD !! I loved these two precious little girls with all my heart. I felt SO blessed to have them. All I wanted to be was a Mommy and raise our family with Paul. At times I did become over protective with my girls maybe more so than most Moms would of. I always just wanted to protect them from any harm. I know at times I had an unhealthy sense of control too, which I regret to this day, but God showed me it went back to the feelings I had prior to having my abortion, having had NO control in protecting my unborn baby at that time.
As I look back, I can't imagine how sad my Heavenly Father must have been, seeing me go through all this without me knowing that He DID love me in spite of what happened. He saw my pain. I really didn't know Jesus loved me. I wanted him to love me, but I didn't know if he would accept me after all the poor choices, and bad things I had done. I knew I was a sinner, nobody didn't need to tell me that. Eventually Paul and I decided to start searching for a good bible Believing church. I wanted to bring my girls up to know God. It took us going to several different churches over a course of time before we found the right one. In our quest to find a church, we did find one where the gospel message was preached, and an invitation was given to come up to the altar and to ask Jesus Christ into your lives. Like I said before, I knew I was a sinner, but would God really accept me? One Sunday I did go forward at the invitation, as well as Paul. I asked the Lord to forgive me and come into my life and I know he did, but I still struggled in my new found faith. When I became a born-again Christian it still took me a long time to fully believe God had forgiven me for THIS sin. Even tho it was not my choice to abort my baby I still carried this guilt. I had carried so much shame and guilt for so many years. This was my secret shame. I continued to go to church for years with this secret. Satan would constantly bombard me with guilt and shame over my abortion . I still did not feel safe to open up to anyone. I had a hard time trusting anyone with my pain. When the subject of abortion came up I would be flooded with guilt & shame all over again. I found myself constantly asking God to forgive me again, as if I wasn't sincere enough the first or last time I asked. I learned to keep my secret shame to myself. What would people think if they really knew the REAL me?? I didn't realize it yet, but I still had a hard time really accepting anyone's love completely even God's. After all He adopted me into his family, but what if He changed his mind?? I've seen that happen in my adoptive family. I felt like the Lord showed me I was scared of intimacy ( especially emotional) and had trust issues. He saw how my trust was violated by parents who were suppose to protect me. I had put up walls just in case, to protect myself. But God was still working in me, He never gave up on me, and Oh how thankful I am!!!
Many years later we felt lead to join another church. They preached the word on a totally new level. I was hungry for the Word and to grow deeper in my relationship with the Lord. I had stumbled and fell in many areas in my walk with the Lord, and I was more serious about my walk with God like never before. God knew I still had issues of the heart I needed for Him to heal completely. He lead me to get some godly counsel and lead me to join a post abortion Bible study called Forgiven and Set Free. There I learned I was NOT alone, and God was MORE than willing to heal me of these past hurts. I actually got to grieve over my baby. My grief was no different than anybody else's grief over the loss of a baby, whether by miscarriage or stillbirth, but it had always been cloaked in a garment of shame. We were encouraged to even name our baby, and I chose Rachel for a girl, and Noah if it was a boy. I will always wonder what could have been, but I know my baby is in the arms of Jesus waiting for me to meet him or her. My baby would have been 32 as I write this (2011). I can't help but wonder what could have been and would I of had a little girl (Rachel) or a boy (Noah). Only the Lord knows. This sweet, innocent baby never had the chance to be born, to grow up and be something important for God.
I learned that God has always been willing to save me. That is why He sent his only begotten Son Jesus Christ to die and shed His precious blood for me, a sinner so undeserving of His mercy & grace, but He freely gave it to me anyway. Forgiving myself for the mistakes I made was MUCH harder, as well as forgiving those involved in making this choice for me. Until I forgave myself I couldn't fully receive God's forgiveness, but not because He was unwilling. He has taught me to forgive myself and has helped me to forgive my parents, especially Mom. Even though she still denies and pretends this never happened, and has never acknowledged my pain, I leave it in God's hands. He has promised to work all things out for His glory, and I believe He is still in the process of doing this. He has forgiven me of SO much. Even if I never had an abortion I was still in need of a Savior. I had missed the mark completely. I had sinned against a Holy God. Even after I have accepted Christ, I have fallen and made mistakes I am not proud of. Every time He has proven himself faithful to me and has forgiven me without hesitation. It is my desire to be a vessel of honor for the Lord and if He can use a cracked pot like me to shine through all the glory goes to Him. As stated in the book of Isaiah 61 ... The Lord God has healed my broken heart, given me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and has given me the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. What a tender, caring, loving Heavenly Father I have. He has redeemed my life from destruction, He has crown me with loving kindness and tender mercies. (Psalm 103: 4)
For the Bible says , All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned everyone to his own way, and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. ( Isaiah 53:6 ); I, even I, am He that blotted out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. ( Isaiah 43:25); As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgression from us (Psalm 103:12) I LOVE Psalm 103 it is one of my favorite; Come now let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow. Though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. ( Isaiah 1:18); There is none righteous, not one, For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:10,23); If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ( 1 John 1:9 )
The Bible is full of God's love for us. He sent his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, that whosoever would believe in him, would not perish (go to Hell) but would have everlasting life. (In Heaven!!!) John 3:16. THIS IS MERCY! In the book of John, the Word says and
ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. The truth is abortion is WRONG, regardless of the circumstance. No matter how people, government, or society in general tries to justify it. It is not a CHOICE, it is MURDER of the unborn. The Bible says in Psalms 139: 14 that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, my substance was not hidden from thee, when I was made in secret your eyes did see my unformed substance, yet being imperfect, and in thy book all the days were written before they took shape, when yet there was none of them. How precious are your thoughts toward thee.
God sees that precious little one in the womb, growing everyday. He sees all the changes. Just because you can not see the baby being formed does not make it any less human. Life does begin at conception. All life, regardless of the stage of development it is in, whether unborn or born is precious in God's eyes. I am living proof that God can forgive and redeem what the enemy has stolen. All you have to do is ask God to forgive you, it really is that simple. We make it hard. You must acknowledge this as sin. You must repent of your sin and see it the way God sees it â€¦. in this case, see abortion as murder. The blood that Jesus shed on the cross is more than sufficient to cleanse you from ALL sin, not just abortion.
All praise and glory goes to my God who promises to work ALL thing out for my good, for those that love God, and are called according to His purpose. I hope my story helps any woman that has been hurt by the lie of abortion, and still suffers in silence. Whether you made this choice willingly or was forced into this decision like myself, forgiveness is available. God WANTS to FORGIVE you. God WANTS to HEAL you. He LOVES you unconditionally. Abortion has a second victim apart from the obvious. Let's speak up for the unborn and help these woman heal. What Satan meant for my destruction, God will use for His Glory.